Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
