i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
