How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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