You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
