I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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