Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
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tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
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i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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