Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
