Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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