guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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