All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
