My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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