Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
