The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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