You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
You did what with his pubic hair?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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