So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
