what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
