Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I can't put those talents on a resume
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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