I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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