you guys were way drunker than both of me
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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