So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
