I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
