That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
