matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
We had to coat check the pizza.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
i think my cat just said my name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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