in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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