Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
