I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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