You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
