That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
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I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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