I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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