I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize