I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
