Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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