If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
