when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
