I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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