if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
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Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
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you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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