Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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