What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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