miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.