go do what you do best...puke behind churches
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Btw I puked in your glovebox
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
