even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
