My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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