i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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