Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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