is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
