Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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