girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
