I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
