Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
