They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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