My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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