dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Randomize
